A flood of guilt, shame, humiliation and anger.
A gust of regret.
Which can be shortly followed by outbursts of intense love, desire, passion.
And as we all know in England, these never last, and it is followed by a hard cold rain of reality which washes this all away.All this hope.
People tell me I need to not react to these intense feelings. To sit with them, for they will change.
But thats like telling someone in a blizzard not to put on a hat, when there is rain not to put up an umbrella.
I do not understand how they can expect me to sit here like a sitting duck whilst emotions drown me.
I literally feel like my emotions are killing me.
Also, I can never separate my condition, whatever they like to call it, with reality. What if I am damn right to feel these emotions? They aren't dramatised by my inner insecurities, but are real. And that I should react. I should do something. Anything.
What if this is reality?
If my relationship crumbles, I want to focus on myself. I want to explore who I am, what is my being, what is my core, the person I am and the person I want to be. I want to encompass myself and engulf myself in passion, but not with a person, with something I love doing, love being.
With all my past mental issues, I have never been able to do these things.
I have gone from child to anorexic, to bulimic, to manic depressive, to bulimic again, and then to a 'mother' and girlfriend.
There has been no point in this succession of events where I exist.
Is that selfish? Perhaps. But maybe, just maybe, that isn't a bad thing.
Intense emotions, I will wait for you to pass like the tide.
But I will not respond to you.
At least I am strong enough to weather the storm.
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