I am in a place right now that I can't locate.
It is not on a map, nor is it in this world.
I am flying, drifting, being, whispering, I am somewhere where I am running away through emptiness.
People call, ask about my behaviours, raise an eyebrow then hang up.
How are you coping?
Fine.
I saw my therapist for the first time in ages, and we decided that I do run. I run from feelings, experiences, the past, the present, the future, everything.
And I have no language to express where I am, who I am and who I am there with.
My eating disorder was my language, my language to say 'Look I am not fucking ok. Help me.'
And I am majorly triggered right now by my immense hate for myself and my body.
I am breaking up with my partner, well we have broken up. I don't like this word 'broken', as nothing has broke. We were fine. We make a great, loving couple. But I have no sense of self and identity and I want to find myself.
That sounds so cliche, 'I want to find myself'.
But its so true. I want to find that person I cannot locate and take her in my arms and hug her and tell her we fought the good fight and won. We won.
Only then can I consider having someone else to have and to hold for the rest of my life.
I am finding more and more things out about myself.
Right now, this is who I am:
I am a lesbian, and I am out.
I am a dreamer, a believer, a traveller, a lover, a pagan, a compassionate person.
I believe in energy, in light, in the goddess, in the healing power of the world.
I like to write, to draw, to read, to expand my knowledge.
I like people, to talk and listen.
I want to travel. I want to explore. I want adventure. I want to find my neverland.
I am NOT an ed, a mental illness, a scar, a tear.
Sounds to me angel, that you are counteracting the bad with the good. So although you expressed the concerns and detest for your body, you are also taking things away from that and saying, this is who I am. So although you are at conflict with your body, the conflict is really with yourself <3
ReplyDeleteDo you ever feel as though you sabotage things, situations? When I read this I try to stand in your shoes, having been eating disordered, and struggle with a myriad of other mental issues, I often find myself trying to find a way out of situations before they seem to good. Or sometimes my mind says, they will be much better without me, without my struggles, my struggles need not be theirs. I believe finding ourselves is a life long process, just when we think we have everything figured out, we try and label it, then we label it and have to question it to death (well I do anyways). Damn, am I making any sense? I guess I want to say, don't be to hard on yourself (easier said than done I know) but if you want to find yourself, you might want to start there if you can and keep in the back of your mind that you are not alone and a lot of people pray for you, wanting only happiness for your and for you to live those dreams that you dream about, making them a reality ;) XoXo Bailey
ReplyDeleteAll the time. I can completely relate. My life will turn out a certain way, I will meet someone, I will get an opportunity, I will make friends, and then I suddenly think: you don't deserve this. And I escape. But not only do I run, a lot of the times I will sabotage things to hurt myself and make myself look like a bad person.
DeleteBut knowing this is such a miracle, as many people don't realise. It means you can make changes and like you said start keeping it at the back of your mind. Thinking of you darling <3 Thank you for your support and kindness xxxx