I should be so lucky

Firstly, I have a new blog which is more educational and about tackling the stigma of mental illness:

http://soundofsilence.blog.co.uk

I thought I should update on my progress.
I am not sleeping at all, falling asleep at 10 then waking up at 2am and not getting back to sleep.
Apart from that, my mood has begun to shift again which makes me relieved that the episode I just had is over.

The blooms upon my desk open slightly. Painted yellow with rouge tickling their edges. The scent of roses fills my room and moves me with a sense of purpose, that these few roses are beauty captured in a time frame which will soon end. You must adore and admire their beauty before they inevitably fall.
Just like life, we must admire it. Seize it. And that is something we all must start opening up to, like the blooms upon my desk.
What keeps me going in life is the possibility of true love capturing my heart and taking me captive in its cave of wonders. But to be taken captive, there is usually an element of surprise. You cannot hunt love, it hunts you. But it never kills its prey, its a different kind of killer. It kills all the sorrow and pain that surrounds that person and holds in close in a tight embrace, kisses planted on lips which open waiting, just like an early bloom.

I am such an old romantic, and I know I have had one real lover. My eating disorder.
It was always there in relationships, stopping me from giving myself to that other person.
It was my mistress, my master, my everything, and it never let me breath. It choked me and smothered me so I couldn't escape. This killer is cunning and sly, with a smirk which fills my heart with sheer fear.
It twisted me till I was on my knees, weak and feeble. My body emaciated and my heart too.
I begged for death, for what I thought was my inevitable end. Death by anorexia.
I sometimes imagined my obituary, my gravestone, the faces at my funeral. And I knew still there the ghost and killer anorexia would be standing at the back knowing he got away with murder.
Well he didn't. This time he lost. And I see the fear in his face as I push him away.
Every bite, every meal, every smile in the mirror I see him get scared and try to take me back.
Its over.
Over.
You will never have me again.

Now there is no third person when I enter a new relationship. This is scary and exciting, that I finally can open my heart and let it bloom.

xxx