Today.

I have had a major realisation in the past few days, an awakening.
I have realised that for the past 2 years I have been chasing happiness.
Chasing it in people, in places, in houses, in occupations, in friends, in lifestyles...
I have been trying to find external forces to make me happy.
Its always, 'if I had this, if I did this, if I was this person, I will be happy'.

No one, no thing, no place can make me happy without internal happiness.
I have not once stopped and looked within myself for happiness.
No, its always had to be something.
I need to start making steps to make myself happy, before circumstance.

I am suffering from heartbreak at the moment. Badly.
Its like someone has ruined all my dreams of 'love conquers all'.
Turning my back on love, well, its not like me. Its not me.
My heart may not be fixed the way it was before. It will have dents, bruises, scrapes that I cannot fix.
No bandage can hold it together.
But I know, I do know, that love will find me. And I when the time comes, I will be open to it.
I will be ready because I will have found happiness in myself.
I will find love for myself, and then, and only then, can I love once more.

I never knew life could be so difficult.