And it turns

As with emotion regulation disorder, one must expect the waves to turn sometimes.
My mood has shifted.
Back from happiness to sheer desperation for life.
I am very suicidal right now.
I just tell myself, it will change. It will move.
I guess, I have moved into halls and it reminds me of the abuse I went through when I was first in halls.
Its triggered memories and flashbacks and its haunting me.
That, and I feel majorly rejected emotionally right now.

I just listen to Jeff Buckley and think, you couldn't see your beauty. Maybe thats like me.
Maybe I have beauty I am not seeing.
I still, however, feel like I want to take a razor blade to my legs and see the blood.
I won't. And as depressing as this blog is, it has a great deal of positivity.
I am not acting on my thoughts. I recognise them and that is all I do.
But I still cannot help but feel all these feelings.
I just want to disappear.

God, please let the wind change tomorrow.
Please.