And here I write...

So here I am. Sitting at a desk in a crowded place, and here I have a place of serenity. Where I can write, dream, whisper, scream, shout, and just simply be. Its pure, plain and simple and washes away all of the backdrop of my world.
For those of you who do not know me, I am sure you will soon find out that I am a fighter. I am fighting my eating disorder and my depression and this keyboard is just one avenue I have taken to beat this illness.
I do not state that this will be entirely positive as its my haven to write, but I promise you that I never stop believing in recovery, love and life.

Once upon a time I had a place to fall into. I hole which I could hide in. Now I feel that the ground is safe and the grass is for once green yet I am constantly looking for places to fall.
My life, for once, is perfect.
I have a house. A girlfriend. A son. My PhD. Amazing friends. An adorable kitten :)
Still, I feel a sense of disbelief and I feel I need to destroy all of the above as I don't deserve it.
Its a core belief of mine. That I am a bad person.

Earlier this year this thought got too strong and I begun my path of self-destruction, smashing my surroundings and crumbling into my ed and depression. I fell back into hospital, and all this happened in under a month.
But that is not a bad thing.
What I have learnt is that we often question our existence and our worth, but most of the time this is based on mere assumption. When I write the facts about my thoughts, my pen runs dry. I can't think of any, yet still I side with my thoughts. But they are just THOUGHTS.
I know people often think this. They often feel that things are too good for them, too amazing. They cant possibly receive them.

What would you say to that person? What would you say to me?
You would say that everyone deserves happiness and goodness. Everyone.

Blogging is something I am wary of, and I have always walked away from as from past experience people can be cruel and use their blogs to attack people. That will never happen here. Never. I will not delete people from my lives, or use my keyboard to hurt others. I admit, I type this as I am hurt by someone who has done this to me. And its something I need to say out loud as I don't like to let things upset me like that. Ahhhh dear, emotional day already. You know that pang of hurt you get for no reason about someone in your past? That happens to me so often, and I dread it each time.

I am off to my outpatients :) Off to my christmassy home to wrap presents by the fire. Ahhh I love the festive season!


MUCH love xxxx