I may be on my road to recovery, but still I find the festive season a difficult one.
The forever calling christmas leftovers in the kitchen.
The over-indulgence, which we can be a part of, is a confusing feeling and concept for someone who has had an ed from their childhood.
The nostalgia, the thoughts of the new year and the past one, of christmases long ago and who was there, and who is now not here around the fire or in our lives.
Christmas is hard for me. Usually the new year is filled with determined desires of weight loss and numbers, numbers which then haunt my sleep and day dreams.
This new year is different. I know that these desires are not my own but my eds and I want my own dreams to emerge this year. Screw you ed.
But letting go of them old aims and numbers is hard, its like I sit here thinking 'what now? what then?'.
A life without an eating disorder- what a foreign concept for me.
As peter pan rightfully said -"to live would be an awfully big adventure".
A new adventure awaits me, and in these few days I am boxing up my ed and sending it back to where it came from.
This year I raise my glass and say - to living.
To living a free life.
To living with no chains around my body.
To living without confinement.
To living without isolation.
To living without constant tears, anger, frustration and pain.
I find it hard to box my ed up. Its like boxing a part of me, something I knew so long.
Its not part of me, I am myself. I am who I am.
Each box I tape I have a moments pause and a tear falls on the box, a sob sneaks from my mouth.
If I pause too long I cannot but cry, but I have the strength to carry on.
I asked Santa this year for freedom, yet I know this is a gift I have to give to myself.
To live would be an awfully big adventure.
xxx
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