Responsibility

In life we are given choices.
These choices thereafter define our existence.
But, I often stop and ask myself whether I did have a choice.
Did I?
Do we have a choice about everything?
There must be some structural forces which shape and mould our lives, pave the path, put up the signs and directions to the way we must go.
I feel I do not have any choices at the moment.
I am feeling trapped without them, yet I feel I never had them in the first place.
Today was the first day in a very long time I purged.
I just freaked out that my life has been fashioned by external forces and I feel cornered.
Responsibility. Responsibility. Responsibility.
Echos in my mind.
Responsibility is something I have a lot of, and I take it very seriously.
And it scares me shitless.
I get scared that because I fear it people will think I'm bad. That I am not mature. That I don't deserve anything. They will hate me. Think little of me. Think I am a messed up freak.
This is mainly because I have the words 'mentally ill' tattooed on my head for all to see.
People think that because of this, I am just going to crumble and will not recover.
So I purged today, as if it cleansed me. It punished me.

But then I got up and looked in the mirror. My hands trembling as I wiped my mouth and the tears on my cheek. I cried, for a minute, then put my responsible face back on.
I don't cry. Ever. I now have a facade that I hide behind each day.
Yet I know, I know they are wrong. I know people do mess up.
People screw up. Its life. You don't have to be mentally ill to slip up now and then.
I shouldn't feel bad for making mistakes.
So, for once, I wipe off my act.
I cry. I shout. I scream.
It may be in the comfort of my living room, alone (apart from Tolkien the cat), but this is a big step.

I am going to stand up to myself.

xxx