Good morning starshine

There are always triggers to our mood. Experiences and events which have made core beliefs about ourselves, and these effect our mood massively.
But part of it isn't.
Part of it can be due to chemicals and the way we are.
I read the other day, diets don't cause eating disorders but those born with obsessive traits are more like to end up with an eating disorder.
And I think its true for me. I am sort of, just, programmed this way. My mood right now is incredibly low. I have fleeting thoughts of disappearing. Of wanting to run away from my life.
I get so frustrated with myself, as everything in my life is fine. Nothing I can complain of. But still, my mood just takes over me.
I want to hibernate. Hide under the covers and pretend I'm in neverland.
Luckily thats not a choice for me. I have to get up, take Travis to nursery. And most of the time the walk by the countryside helps me be able to deal with the day. Without this structure, I would 100% just stay in bed. Sleep the day away. Void of dreams. Void of nightmares. Void of anything.
I would be nothing.

I am not nothing. I know I am not.
But I can't help but feel helpless.
Travis is at the age when he is challenging everything. And he challenges me, and I have to be strong for him. And that keeps me alive. Knowing that my ed would rip me away from him and hurt him. Knowing that any self harm would also be harming him.
So I wake up. I get up. And I live.
I am alive.
And thats how it should be and how its meant to be.

I am challenging food like never before! I had an indian and tonight I have made a spinach, butternut squash and coconut curry :)
I have chocolate every night, not because I have to but because I want to. I eat it, and I enjoy it.

But right now there are people I miss so much, and I want them back in my life.
Sadly, the truth is eating disorders, mood disorders and self-harm can take people away from you.
It turned me into a person I did not like, and those around me didn't like. It was not Kate. That person was NOT me. It was as if an evil spirit took over me and I was possessed. The days after my suicide attempt, well I was a mess. I could barely articulate myself, I couldn't get up or think. I was empty of any emotion. And it destroyed some really important relationships in my life.

It saved some too though. For example, my dad.
He begun to realise something had happened to me I didn't speak of.
He listened to me, comforted me, loved me. And I can't thank him enough for the support he gave me.
Every time I think a bad thought I say no, as I love my dad and I want him to see me well and happy. Truly well and happy. No ed. No self harm. No destructive moods.
As some of you may no, I have a mood disorder which causes me to get destructive in ways which I hate to say. I get something good, and as I have such hatred towards myself I take it upon myself to destroy it in every way possible.
And it leads me to do awful things.
The scary thing is, I can't use it as an excuse, as it's not. I have to take responsibility for my actions. But I feel like I apologise for someone I don't know. As its not me. Its not who I am. But I still feel immense guilt for my actions.

Mood disorders are difficult and complex things. What mine is yet, I do not know.
I am being diagnosed on an ongoing basis.
Some have said its rapid bi-polar disorder. Others, borderline personality disorder.

I don't care much for the diagnosis. I care about becoming a healthy, better person.
A person who is free.


xxxx